20 funniest travel quotes you’ve never heard

Travel can be stressful, so keep these quotes in mind next time you lose your luggage

12 August, 2011

It’s not her fault. She was homeschooled. On a bus.1. Travel pillows

“Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.” — Jim Gaffigan

  1. Fame

“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” — Britney Spears

“If I hear someone quote ‘Somebody gonna get hurt real bad’ one more time …”

  1. American tourists

“There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.” — Stephen Colbert

  1. Indians and terrorists

“It’s hard man ’cause the security in the airport, customs, immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian.

“Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. That would be counter-productive.” — Russell Peters

  1. Flight delays

“People say there’s delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there.

“Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you’re home.” — Louis C.K.

  1. Pre-boarding

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” — George Carlin

Wanda tells it like it is.

  1. Airport security

“Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left.

“Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip-on shoes. Gotta love ’em.” — Ryan Bingham (played by George Clooney), from the movie “Up in the Air”

  1. Fear

“My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I’m thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.” — Dennis Miller

  1. Africa

“Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don’t give a damn. You tell them, ‘Hey, I just got back from the motherland.’

“They’re like, ‘Where’d you go — Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'” — Wanda Sykes

  1. Passport photos

“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” — Al Gore

  1. Long-haul flights

“You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.” — Lewis Black

Don’t ask Dane Cook to take your picture when you visit the United States.12. Taking photos

“When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they’re like, ‘What do I do … I don’t really … ha-huh …’ Yeah, it’s the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!” — Dane Cook

  1. Egyptian street vendors

“You can’t walk down here at all. It can’t be a short cut because you get stopped every few seconds.” [moves aside to let an elderly woman pass] “See? I bet she left the house when she was 10!” — Karl Pilkington

{C} “Hmm, why is my quote beneath Colbert’s? Is this list a ranking? Better not be.”

  1. Whiners

“People come back from flights and tell you a story like it’s a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany.

“That’s how bad they make it sound. They’re like, ‘It was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.’

Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?’” — Louis C.K.

  1. Similarities between the United States and Australia

“Imagine if American politics were a boomerang, and you threw that boomerang and it came back to you exactly like it was … except now it had a dark, leathery suntan and was wearing corduroy shorts and an orange Ocean Pacific tank top.” — from “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents: America (the Book)”

Don’t expect Ellen to share her fruit cup with you on a plane.

  1. New Zealand

“Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know — because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.” — Lewis Black

  1. Rio Carnival

“I’m sure one day I’ll look back at this and go, ‘I was in Carnival!’ But it’s just not happening now. I’m sorta thinking, ‘I’m in the Carnival?’ Like, what am I doin’ here?” — Karl Pilkington

  1. Airline food

“[Airline food] is the tiniest food I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get — chicken, steak, anything — has grill marks on each side, like somehow we’ll actually believe there’s an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“What is it they think we will do? Turn ’em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?”

  1. Airport sinks

“What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet.

“Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets.

“What is it they think we will do? Turn ’em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?” — Jerry Seinfeld

  1. Airport shuttle

“The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.” — Adam Carolla, from “In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks”